Since this journey began over 5 months ago I don’t think I've ever asked the question “why me?” [If i have in a previous post, I blame the brain fog] I’m still not asking that question, but I am going to pull my cancer card [read: get out of jail free for just about anything card] and say I have a right to feel down about things. Sorry if this comes as a shock to those who have been so encouraging to me or who have said they are amazed by my positive outlook. I can only say that I am human… and hypothyroid… therefore, I am prone to the occasional mood swing now and again.
What brings this on now you ask? I really don’t have a good answer for that. I know that my life has basically been on pause since May and I barely register that we are only 2 weeks out from Halloween. Moreover, in the last 5 months I've been living and breathing Cancer World. Not Sassy Vibrant Young Carefree 30-Something World. I’ve felt weak, sick, diseased, isolated, alone… While the people around me have gotten pregnant, married, engaged, changed jobs, bought houses… basically moved forward in their lives.
I was told that getting cancer was just a speed bump in life. [which is probably true in the overall grand scheme of things] Right now it just feels more like I’ve come to a washout in the road and everyone else is on the other side.
you have every right to feel very sad and down...when I went through non-Hodgkin's lymphoma at 16 I was very bitter for quite awhile. I was in my sophomore year of high school and everyone else was getting driver's licences and being teenagers. Basically my entire year was spent bald, critically ill, and in and out of the hospital. It's a year of my life I'll never have back and I felt so cheated at the time.
ReplyDeleteKate's right...you have every right to feel this way. I don't know how you feel, but I do know I wish I could give you a hug, or just sit there and hold your hand whlie you talk about it (or not, as you need).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Chris. I can't say that I know how you feel or that I can imagine how you feel - I can't. But I do wish that lived closer so we could at least hang out when you're feeling up to it and watch some tv at home. Sometimes just sitting with someone else makes me feel better. I love you and hope that you can hit the play button again soon.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I am so sorry. I pray that 5 years from now we will look back and beable to see some good come out of it all. Let me know how your CXRay goes. love, AP
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