Think What You Will

I blocked some people from my Facebook page. 

{You would think the world had ended because of that one simple click of the mouse!} 

I even drew ridicule from some additional people in their status… so I blocked them too. 

I even toyed with just deleting my account altogether but there are people on there I don’t have emails or phone numbers handy for, and pictures of people far away that I want to see from time to time.  There are people on there who aren’t involved in this mess.

I chose to remove certain people from my little online space because of a series of events that have caused nothing but hurt and heartache.  I don’t want to be surrounded with negativity or jealousy or petty drama.  I certainly don’t want to be reminded of it every day. 

Perhaps I should say I chose to remove myself from their spaces.  Hopefully it will give them less fuel for their fires and they will find someone else to focus their negativity on.

If not, well then to them I say:  Think what you will… you are entitled to your opinions just as I am entitled to leave them all behind.

Better Than I

Better Than I by Joy Williams

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
'Cause You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what's best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for...

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught them to fly
If I let You reach me...
Will You teach me? For...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
'Cause You know Better Than I

Words That Heal

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
~Isaac Asimov

I was reading this article today about how writing through a serious illness can be cathartic.  I wholeheartedly agree.

I may have started this blog under the guise of keeping friends and family informed about my progress through surgery and treatment but it evolved into so much more. 

I started with just a few posts that were more factual than feeling.  Soon enough I was talking about the confusion, pain, fear, loneliness, anxiety… all the things that I couldn’t say out loud when asked “how are you doing?”  Those who asked such a question received an ever cheery smile and the upbeat “I’m doing good…”, “Feeling much better thanks…”, or “Everything is going really well…”

Truth is sometimes it wasn’t all hunky-dory.  Truth is having cancer is never ok.

I feel like my writing through my cancer journey was honest even if it wasn’t always light hearted.  I also think that writing about it was the cheapest form of therapy I could have found {with the exception of Gilda’s Club of course!}.  It helped me organize my thoughts and feelings and really reflect… and now that I’m on the other side it helps me to remember things completely lost to cancer brain.

I’ve realized that even though I started this blog for my friends and family, it isn’t about who reads it, its about the life I’m able to live because I wrote it.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
~William Wordsworth

Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. 
~Melody Beattie

Well It’s Official…

I have resigned from my management position here effective July 22nd.

There are many reasons behind this decision some of which I am not prepared to discuss just yet.  Some of which I might never discuss on le bloggy blog.

I am not certain where I am going or what I am going to do just yet.  That is such an odd feeling.  I’ve always known where I was going before I went.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ideas floating around… this girl has no shortage of those puppies… but so many of them are in the long range category. I just have to start doing the little things to get the momentum going.  And above all I need to follow my heart and live my dreams.  Life is too short not to.

Stay tuned dear readers… its about to get interesting around here!

Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
-Orison Swett Marden

Grow A Pair

Apparently I have.

Grown a “pair” that is.So many people have told me in the last oh 8 months that I have balls and they are impressed and that I’m brave.  Even though I’ve heard it for a while now I still don’t quite understand.

Am I really that gutsy?

I don’t really think so.  I just follow my heart… and sometimes my head… and I just go for it and I don’t look back.  There is no room for regret.

Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t but at least I’ve tried.  Every experience teaches you something about yourself or someone else or about life in general and it shapes who you are. 

Life is out there and all you have to do is live it.

One can never consent to creep when

one feels an impulse to soar.

– Helen Keller

You Are What You… Think?

I’ve been reading the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne lately – I even watched the movie on Netflix one night when I was bored. {note: if you’ve read the book, the movie is nearly identical}  I mostly decided to read it because I was curious what all the hype and controversy had been about a few years ago.  I like to know about things rather than just object to them based on what others tell me I should think.

Here I am reading The Secret and it seems like a simple enough principal… you get what you give.  If you give off feelings of anger or sadness you will get anger and sadness back.  Think about it… if you are feeling down and you let yourself stay in that mindset all day without trying to shift yourself to more positive thoughts… you can find yourself in a small bout of depression before you know it.

So I start thinking about some of the bad things that have happened in my life and if I had somehow inadvertently brought them into my life.  The big obvious one of course is my cancer diagnosis.  Could I have actually put out some sort of vibe that later came into being in my body?  Could that vibe in combination with the power of “mind over matter” have contributed to it?

Actually… yes.

You see when I was in college I was assigned the task of tracing my family tree along with any associated diseases or conditions.  Many of my classmates found strong family histories of heart disease… I found that the majority of my ancestors had cancer.  I even said to my mom while working on the project “Well, it looks like I’m destined to get cancer at some point in my life!” as a semi-joke.  Guess what – I did.

Do I believe that my thinking and saying I would get cancer actually caused my cell mutations?  No, not entirely. I also tend to believe that things happen for a reason {beyond our understanding} and I know that what I went through made me who I am today.

But what could happen if I decidedly focused on the good things in life? Things I hope for or dream about… Rather than the twinge of sadness that happens when someone else gets engaged or pregnant, what would happen if I could truly feel happy for them and for my future self in that role?  Rather than feeling the weight of a debt, could I convey the feeling that I have more than enough to sustain me?  I look at it as a form of prayer… asking and believing you will be provided for… or giving thanks for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don’t.

It’s an interesting theory and one definitely worth a try.  I might even try making up a vision board or two so I can keep my focus on accomplishing my dreams.

So what about you?  What positive dreams are you shifting your focus to?

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

written by Switchfoot
sung by Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember

Must Be A Mom Thing

I’ve been pondering the meaning of life.. ahem I mean these stickers I’m seeing everywhere on people’s vehicles.  Well let’s be honest they are found on mom vans & SUV’s everywhere!  You have to know what I’m talking about… you know, the stick figure family stickers? 

Maybe its just me but I don’t get them. I mean yes they can be cute but what is the point?  Do you need to justify to the world why you are driving a big ass car sucking up all that so expensive gas you are always complaining about?  Or maybe its to prove to the other drivers on the road why you deserve to drive like an idiot while racing to soccer practice or ballet?  More likely it’s just an odd status symbol of sorts among the mom crowd and to be in, you NEED these.  

I repeat, I just don’t get them.

To me they are like a big shiny beacon saying “Follow me home!  I have 2 kids you can prey on!” 

Yes, I am the cynic. I can’t help it… I’ve actually had someone stalk me, leave notes on my car {when I hadn’t been aware they even knew which car I drove} and live in fear that they had followed me home without me ever knowing.  Literally.  I know these are just pictures but some go so far as to include the family names… seriously people?! Do you not watch Criminal Minds??

My apologies to those of you out there in mommy-land who indeed own these adorable sticker thingies.  I still love you!  I’m just calling it like I see it… and being I’m in the non-mommy phase in life I see these as a crazy overboard soccer mom status thing.  I do, however, find the particular set of stickers on the left hilarious for all of you single mommies out there!

For Your Consideration

I’ve been considering making my blog private for a while now.  There are several reasons why that may be a good idea, one of which is the obvious fact that anyone can read this and sometimes there are things that are a part of life that you don’t want certain people knowing.  It’s all very mysterious, I know... But the reason for not wanting certain people to know certain things is simply to avoid the drama that could {and probably would} ensue.  Of course there is also the drama of those whom you don’t include on the exclusive “allowed readers” list.

Some of you may be thinking – why blog about it at all then?

Good question.

For some of you out there, your thoughts spill out into the the very private pages of a diary – or journal as is the trendy way of saying it these days. I tend to blog about mine.  I’ve never been good at keeping a journal but for some reason I can blog on a semi-regular basis.

I used this blog as a communication tool during the doctor appointments and surgeries and treatment course of my cancer journey... but it became more than that.  It was my coping mechanism.  A place where I could express the many emotions that come with dealing with a serious illness.  I was completely open through it all and I’ve had other cancer survivors tell me they appreciated that level of honesty.  It was good. Raw. Me.

So why am I feeling like I need to be guarded now?