You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby!

Four years.  Four years.

It’s been exactly four years since I took my I-131 radioactive iodine treatment for my papillary thyroid cancer. My oh my, how my life has changed since then!

I’d like to say I haven’t given cancer another thought since that day, but truth is, I think about it every day. Every morning I wake up and take my thyroid replacement pill first thing and wait an hour before eating or drinking anything that might affect the absorption.  During my pregnancy my daily dose was changed 5 times to meet the increasing demands from my body and from Maddie. Since her birth 2 months ago, my dose has been changed twice as my body readjusts to my “new normal.” Without this one little daily pill, I would slowly go more and more hypothyroid and eventually my mind and body would shut down.  I would be so screwed in a zombie apocalypse scenario.

I have just one more year until I can say I’ve been cancer free for the magical five years = cured mark.  In this upcoming year, I have plans to undergo a whole body scan once my daughter is weaned.  Once again I will have to go hypo on purpose.  Once again I will have to take some RAI and go into isolation for a short time – this time from my husband and daughter – to protect them from my radioactive self.  Hopefully this time nothing shows up on the scan in my thyroid bed or in my lungs.

If I think on it too long, it terrifies me. So I try not to let my mind go there.  I have a long life ahead of me – including seeing my great-grandkids grow up – and I'm positive there are many adventures awaiting me!

Forgiveness

Forgive (intransitive verb): 1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of 2) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon. [Webster's]

Sorry may be the hardest word to say but I think forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do.  Not to just say you forgive someone for something but really, truly forgive them.

You see, to truly forgive someone you have to give up on that anger and resentment you have built up.  Those emotions are much easier to hold on to than to make yourself vulnerable to be possibly hurt again.  It’s especially difficult when the person you are forgiving hasn’t apologized or asked to be forgiven at all.  You almost have to make yourself forget the offending act ever happened.

An article I came across by the Mayo Clinic has an interesting perspective on the effects of holding on to that resentment and anger:

What are the effects of holding a grudge? 
If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

I don’t want to allow these wrongs to take root and control my life so I’m working on forgiveness right now for a few people in my life. 

I know that if I can just get there, and I mean really get there, I will be free of it and have the peace I want.

Think What You Will

I blocked some people from my Facebook page. 

{You would think the world had ended because of that one simple click of the mouse!} 

I even drew ridicule from some additional people in their status… so I blocked them too. 

I even toyed with just deleting my account altogether but there are people on there I don’t have emails or phone numbers handy for, and pictures of people far away that I want to see from time to time.  There are people on there who aren’t involved in this mess.

I chose to remove certain people from my little online space because of a series of events that have caused nothing but hurt and heartache.  I don’t want to be surrounded with negativity or jealousy or petty drama.  I certainly don’t want to be reminded of it every day. 

Perhaps I should say I chose to remove myself from their spaces.  Hopefully it will give them less fuel for their fires and they will find someone else to focus their negativity on.

If not, well then to them I say:  Think what you will… you are entitled to your opinions just as I am entitled to leave them all behind.

Are There Two of Me?

Cloning.  It’s never been something that I have agreed with…

Until now.

I need a clone. Please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top?

Actually I need more than 1… heck, I even need more than 2!

I need one to be at work for me in TX… one to be in TN to clean the house and buy groceries, another in TN to hang with the fiancé… one in MI to hang with family, another in MI to meet up with friends, another in MI to be a wedding coordinator… so that would be… 6 clones?

And that would leave me… lucky number 7… free to be selfish and just tend to myself. 

All I would need is a day or two where I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone or doing anything that I didn’t want to do.  And maybe I would finally have time to do the little things like… oh, I don’t know… get my hair cut or my eyebrows waxed?

Sigh… even a few hours like that sound so heavenly at the moment.

So my New Year’s resolution?  Be a mad scientist and create clone selves that last just 24hrs or so.  Anyone want to fund me?

Better Than I

Better Than I by Joy Williams

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
'Cause You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what's best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for...

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught them to fly
If I let You reach me...
Will You teach me? For...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
'Cause You know Better Than I

Words That Heal

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
~Isaac Asimov

I was reading this article today about how writing through a serious illness can be cathartic.  I wholeheartedly agree.

I may have started this blog under the guise of keeping friends and family informed about my progress through surgery and treatment but it evolved into so much more. 

I started with just a few posts that were more factual than feeling.  Soon enough I was talking about the confusion, pain, fear, loneliness, anxiety… all the things that I couldn’t say out loud when asked “how are you doing?”  Those who asked such a question received an ever cheery smile and the upbeat “I’m doing good…”, “Feeling much better thanks…”, or “Everything is going really well…”

Truth is sometimes it wasn’t all hunky-dory.  Truth is having cancer is never ok.

I feel like my writing through my cancer journey was honest even if it wasn’t always light hearted.  I also think that writing about it was the cheapest form of therapy I could have found {with the exception of Gilda’s Club of course!}.  It helped me organize my thoughts and feelings and really reflect… and now that I’m on the other side it helps me to remember things completely lost to cancer brain.

I’ve realized that even though I started this blog for my friends and family, it isn’t about who reads it, its about the life I’m able to live because I wrote it.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
~William Wordsworth

Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. 
~Melody Beattie

Well It’s Official…

I have resigned from my management position here effective July 22nd.

There are many reasons behind this decision some of which I am not prepared to discuss just yet.  Some of which I might never discuss on le bloggy blog.

I am not certain where I am going or what I am going to do just yet.  That is such an odd feeling.  I’ve always known where I was going before I went.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ideas floating around… this girl has no shortage of those puppies… but so many of them are in the long range category. I just have to start doing the little things to get the momentum going.  And above all I need to follow my heart and live my dreams.  Life is too short not to.

Stay tuned dear readers… its about to get interesting around here!

Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
-Orison Swett Marden

Introspection

<sup>The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
- William Jones</sup>

That was the quote on my little flip calendar this morning.  Funny how I’ve had that calendar for years and years but this is the first time I’ve really taken notice of that saying.  Isn’t it funny how you can read things or hear things that hit at just the right moment.

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and this particular quote brought some anxieties surrounding certain issues to rest.  I haven’t yet made the vision boards I mentioned in my post a few days ago but the picture in my mind is becoming clearer every day. 

Following your heart may not always be the easiest choice but its usually the best one.

I’ve Got A Feelin

“June 12th, 2009 – …My doctor was nearly certain - in fact said he would be "very surprised"- if my full pathology came back as anything but benign. 

We were both a little shocked when I went in to have my stitches out a week ago Friday and found that "Bob" had been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second look. He said he would call me as soon as the reports from Mayo came back...

So that is basically how exactly 2 months after my 30th birthday, I got the phone call telling me I have cancer”

Today marks 2 years since I heard the words “You have cancer…” over that phone line.  It’s a day I will never forget...  A day that changed my life forever.

It seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time I know I’m not at that magical 5 years = cancer free mark yet.  It is probably why I have been dragging my feet to find a new endocrinologist and have my testing done.  I know I need to do that.  I know.  But I’m scared that there will be news I don’t want to hear.  That and Endos are notoriously prima donna like so meeting yet another one isn’t exactly high on my list.  I will make that appointment. I promise.

So how am I celebrating 2 years of survivorship?  I don’t know yet.  I’m thinking of sleeping in, reading a good book, watching a new movie, and heading down to get a Peanut Butter Dream to stick 2 tiny little birthday candles in. 

I’ll light those 2 little candles.  And while blowing them out I will make a little wish for all the dreams I’m holding in my heart.

Because as I said one year ago today…

“Today is a day to celebrate every moment, to appreciate the little things, to stop and smell the roses, to live life to the fullest, to shout it from the rooftops! 

I am here, I am healthy, I am loved, and I have a very long life in front of me.

For today, I am pushing all of that away and am remembering that today is worth celebrating because life is worth celebrating!  Life in all its ups and downs is simply a gift every single day. 

Today Every day is my most precious gift”

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

written by Switchfoot
sung by Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember

For Your Consideration

I’ve been considering making my blog private for a while now.  There are several reasons why that may be a good idea, one of which is the obvious fact that anyone can read this and sometimes there are things that are a part of life that you don’t want certain people knowing.  It’s all very mysterious, I know... But the reason for not wanting certain people to know certain things is simply to avoid the drama that could {and probably would} ensue.  Of course there is also the drama of those whom you don’t include on the exclusive “allowed readers” list.

Some of you may be thinking – why blog about it at all then?

Good question.

For some of you out there, your thoughts spill out into the the very private pages of a diary – or journal as is the trendy way of saying it these days. I tend to blog about mine.  I’ve never been good at keeping a journal but for some reason I can blog on a semi-regular basis.

I used this blog as a communication tool during the doctor appointments and surgeries and treatment course of my cancer journey... but it became more than that.  It was my coping mechanism.  A place where I could express the many emotions that come with dealing with a serious illness.  I was completely open through it all and I’ve had other cancer survivors tell me they appreciated that level of honesty.  It was good. Raw. Me.

So why am I feeling like I need to be guarded now? 

Love Notes

I never thought I would see the day when I would say that I just didn’t want to be in a relationship... Apparently today is that fateful day.  Perhaps I should give you some background on that decision…

I’ve always been the relationship type.  A serial monogamist if you will.  I’m not good at dating multiple people at once and consider it to be a waste of time.  How can you make a deeper connection with one person when you can’t even remember who you told which story?  Maybe I should have looked at it as limiting my options instead? 

Whatever the rhyme or reason those relationships didn’t work out and here I am.  Alone.  But apparently not lonely… at least not today.

Today I was a little surprised when I realized it wasn’t even a thought in my mind.  That contact from a certain potential guy was actually a little bothersome.  Was it that I’m just not that into him or am I just not into being in a relationship right now?  I guess you could make a case for either or both.  In truth its probably both.

There are so many things I am focused on right now it it leaves no bit of energy, emotion or time for someone else.  Heck, I barely have time to really read my personal emails as they flash by on my phone.  I owe a million people messages or emails or calls but at the end of the day, my battery is exhausted and I’m just trying to find a few quiet moments to recharge. {hence the bloggy hiatus}

Some may call it selfish and I guess I am in a kind of “its all about me” phase right now.  I’m trying to sort things out and make changes in a few areas and I’m just content to just be without worrying about the expectations of someone else.

Of course that is today… there is always tomorrow.  And “After all… Tomorrow is another day!”

I’m Coming Home

On my way back to MI today and I’m seriously hoping that Gerald R. Ford International has something like this going on when I arrive…

Welcome Home!

Thirty {Point} Two

I refuse to believe that another birthday means an increase in my age, hence the point two on the end. I need that part to help me remember exactly just how old I am since at some point after 25 I started forgetting that little fact.  I know, I’m old and showing my age by admitting that sometimes I forget how old I am! 

I firmly believe that you are as old as you feel.  Some days that means I’m 5, sometimes I’m 20, and sometimes I’m 100.  It just depends on the day, my mood… and maybe the weather.  My rheumatism acts up from time to time contributing to the 100 factor… and if you don’t know me, I’m kidding on that last one… maybe…

But to be serious for a minute, a birthday is something to celebrate with full force. This is my second birthday after my cancer diagnosis… not quite my “cancerversary” yet but one year closer to that 5 year term “cured” mark!  I’m alive and well and thankful for every breath I take. Yes, that even means on the bad days!  I laugh and cry more freely than I did before.  I pay attention to my body and things that might not be quite right.  I take more chances and don’t worry so much about what other people think.  I make a point to enjoy relationships, family, friends, every moment of me time, the smell of spring flowers, the story in a good book… I know I’ve said it before but hearing the words “you have cancer” changes you.

For me the change was living fully and I’m forever grateful for that.

So happy thirty {point} two to me!  I’m looking forward to the next year’s worth of adventures!

Kickin’

Wow – has it really been 10 days since I’ve posted?  Time flies when you’re having fun… or something like that.

I have to admit that I haven’t written because I’ve been in a funk.  I’ve been stressed, overwhelmed, sick, tired, overbooked and generally in a crummy state of mind. 

But rather than dwell on all that I’m focusing on the positives!

I’m heading home to visit family and friends this weekend and I think it might be just what the doctor ordered (or would order should I have spoken to him) to break up the funky mood and give me that kick in the butt to help me feel like myself again.

Dream A Little Dream

I don’t remember my dreams often but when I do it’s usually because its completely crazy, scared the crap out of me, what I’ve dreamed has come true, or I’ve had the dream more than once. 

Recently there is a new dream that I’ve had that I remember vividly.  I’ve had it three times now.  According to dream interpretation websites, recurring dreams are your subconscious mind desperately trying to tell you something and they are usually triggered by current life events.  Basically its your mind telling you to wake up and pay attention so you can figure out what is going on and deal with it.

So here’s my dream…

I’m sleeping when I smell something that wakes me up (in the dream world).  I head down my stairs when I start to feel scared.  Suddenly I notice that my back door is slightly open and I realize what I’m smelling is smoke.  I slowly inch down the stairs and I see a man standing next to my door.  He doesn’t notice me but is just standing there smoking and staring into my living room at something that I can’t see.  A black cat is sitting next to him looking at the same thing.  I stand there, frozen in fear.  In my dream my anxiety level rises as I feel that any moment he will notice me standing there… and then I wake up

So what the heck does that mean?  I sure hope it isn’t literal and that a man is really breaking in my back door and smoking in my house at night!

After researching various dream websites this is the best I can come up with…

stairs – walking down them suggests there are thoughts and emotions you have yet to express and may also reflect obstacles in your future.  I can only imagine that the fact that I get apprehensive as I head down them means I really don’t want to face whatever the obstacle is

intruder – this usually symbolizes feelings of shame or remorse and that you should figure out what is taking a toll on your peace of mind.

cat – (if you generally like them) symbolizes that within you is a free spirit, feminine sensuality, creativity, and power. A black cat can mean you are afraid of using your psychic abilities or intuition.

smoking – may be a metaphor for an addictive relationship or habit in your life.

Soooo… There are feelings I need to express in the near future that I think is an obstacle.  I have regrets and so my mind isn’t at peace and this may involve an aspect of myself that is creative or intuitive in nature and is most likely an addictive behavior of mine.

Hmmmmm…  I wonder what it could be!

You Can’t Handle The Truth!

Kaffee: I want the truth!
Col. Jessep: [shouts] You can't handle the truth!
- A Few Good Men

What is the thing everyone says they want in a relationship?

Honesty.

What is the one thing that most people can’t handle?

The truth.

It’s hard enough dating and worrying about normal rejections: Will he think my hair is too short/blonde/long/flat? What if I something gets stuck in my teeth?  What if my outfit is just all wrong? What if he thinks I’m too thin/fat?  The list is endless and we all worry about them every time.

But…

What if you add the “cancer thing” in there? See you can hide that precious little gem from people for a while but when you literally bear your dirty little secret on your neck, it doesn’t stay hidden for long.  [I’m sure I’ve blogged about this topic before but for the life of me can’t find it on here!]  When should you tell that potential someone? If you tell them right away, it might be too much too soon.  But if you wait, will they think you were keeping this big huge secret behind their back?  Once you do tell them, whenever you choose to do so, will they bow out anyway because it’s just too much to handle.

I had cancer. I dealt with it, I accepted it, I conquered it. I have changed because of it. I know I am stronger because of it.

I had cancer but I am a lot more than cancer ever was. And you are the one who’s missing out.

Some Down Time

Since this journey began over 5 months ago I don’t think I've ever asked the question “why me?” [If i have in a previous post, I blame the brain fog] I’m still not asking that question, but I am going to pull my cancer card [read: get out of jail free for just about anything card] and say I have a right to feel down about things. Sorry if this comes as a shock to those who have been so encouraging to me or who have said they are amazed by my positive outlook. I can only say that I am human… and hypothyroid… therefore, I am prone to the occasional mood swing now and again.

What brings this on now you ask? I really don’t have a good answer for that. I know that my life has basically been on pause since May and I barely register that we are only 2 weeks out from Halloween. Moreover, in the last 5 months I've been living and breathing Cancer World. Not Sassy Vibrant Young Carefree 30-Something World. I’ve felt weak, sick, diseased, isolated, alone… While the people around me have gotten pregnant, married, engaged, changed jobs, bought houses… basically moved forward in their lives.

I was told that getting cancer was just a speed bump in life. [which is probably true in the overall grand scheme of things] Right now it just feels more like I’ve come to a washout in the road and everyone else is on the other side.

Ever Wonder?

What goes through the mind of a newly diagnosed 20-30’s something cancer patient? Here’s your chance to get a peek into that crazy upside-down world. Discovery Health Channel is showing Crazy Sexy Cancer a documentary by Kris Carr. Kris started shooting her film after getting diagnosed with a rare and incurable stage IV cancer. Her journey to a place of acceptance and her outlook is amazing, but she also shows those more tender and vulnerable moments that we go through.

I highly recommend you check it out or DVR it for later. You can watch it tonight at 8pm or 10pm or Sunday at noon on Discovery Health.

Longing…

A friend of mine recently went on vacation to one of my most favorite places in the world. Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN. If you have been there, you know what a tourist trap this place can, especially during the summer months. Its home to DollyWood, Dixie Stampede, the Ripley’s attractions, country themed wedding chapels ‘ala Vegas, gem mining, and mini golf among other things. But it is also at the foot [or middle depending on which city] of the Smokey Mountains National Park which is so incredibly beautiful. I love all of it mixed together. Yes, even the funnel cakes. I even convinced KT & Brian to go there on their honeymoon and played travel agent! [not sure they recommend me as travel agent… long story!]

I love the mountain cabin rentals that include awesome views, fireplaces, hot tubs, pool tables… and i love hiking through the park to see rapids and waterfalls and old mountain settlements not to mention the random deer & bears! Its the first place I think of going whenever I need peace and rejuvenation. Hence why I'm longing to go there now [and the teensiest bit envious of my friend who just returned]. Sigh… It will have to wait until next year so until then I have to settle for old vacation pics!

Enjoy… you just may want to plan a trip for yourself ;o)