Well It’s Official…

I have resigned from my management position here effective July 22nd.

There are many reasons behind this decision some of which I am not prepared to discuss just yet.  Some of which I might never discuss on le bloggy blog.

I am not certain where I am going or what I am going to do just yet.  That is such an odd feeling.  I’ve always known where I was going before I went.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ideas floating around… this girl has no shortage of those puppies… but so many of them are in the long range category. I just have to start doing the little things to get the momentum going.  And above all I need to follow my heart and live my dreams.  Life is too short not to.

Stay tuned dear readers… its about to get interesting around here!

Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
-Orison Swett Marden

Introspection

<sup>The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
- William Jones</sup>

That was the quote on my little flip calendar this morning.  Funny how I’ve had that calendar for years and years but this is the first time I’ve really taken notice of that saying.  Isn’t it funny how you can read things or hear things that hit at just the right moment.

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and this particular quote brought some anxieties surrounding certain issues to rest.  I haven’t yet made the vision boards I mentioned in my post a few days ago but the picture in my mind is becoming clearer every day. 

Following your heart may not always be the easiest choice but its usually the best one.

You Are What You… Think?

I’ve been reading the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne lately – I even watched the movie on Netflix one night when I was bored. {note: if you’ve read the book, the movie is nearly identical}  I mostly decided to read it because I was curious what all the hype and controversy had been about a few years ago.  I like to know about things rather than just object to them based on what others tell me I should think.

Here I am reading The Secret and it seems like a simple enough principal… you get what you give.  If you give off feelings of anger or sadness you will get anger and sadness back.  Think about it… if you are feeling down and you let yourself stay in that mindset all day without trying to shift yourself to more positive thoughts… you can find yourself in a small bout of depression before you know it.

So I start thinking about some of the bad things that have happened in my life and if I had somehow inadvertently brought them into my life.  The big obvious one of course is my cancer diagnosis.  Could I have actually put out some sort of vibe that later came into being in my body?  Could that vibe in combination with the power of “mind over matter” have contributed to it?

Actually… yes.

You see when I was in college I was assigned the task of tracing my family tree along with any associated diseases or conditions.  Many of my classmates found strong family histories of heart disease… I found that the majority of my ancestors had cancer.  I even said to my mom while working on the project “Well, it looks like I’m destined to get cancer at some point in my life!” as a semi-joke.  Guess what – I did.

Do I believe that my thinking and saying I would get cancer actually caused my cell mutations?  No, not entirely. I also tend to believe that things happen for a reason {beyond our understanding} and I know that what I went through made me who I am today.

But what could happen if I decidedly focused on the good things in life? Things I hope for or dream about… Rather than the twinge of sadness that happens when someone else gets engaged or pregnant, what would happen if I could truly feel happy for them and for my future self in that role?  Rather than feeling the weight of a debt, could I convey the feeling that I have more than enough to sustain me?  I look at it as a form of prayer… asking and believing you will be provided for… or giving thanks for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don’t.

It’s an interesting theory and one definitely worth a try.  I might even try making up a vision board or two so I can keep my focus on accomplishing my dreams.

So what about you?  What positive dreams are you shifting your focus to?

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

written by Switchfoot
sung by Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember

For Your Consideration

I’ve been considering making my blog private for a while now.  There are several reasons why that may be a good idea, one of which is the obvious fact that anyone can read this and sometimes there are things that are a part of life that you don’t want certain people knowing.  It’s all very mysterious, I know... But the reason for not wanting certain people to know certain things is simply to avoid the drama that could {and probably would} ensue.  Of course there is also the drama of those whom you don’t include on the exclusive “allowed readers” list.

Some of you may be thinking – why blog about it at all then?

Good question.

For some of you out there, your thoughts spill out into the the very private pages of a diary – or journal as is the trendy way of saying it these days. I tend to blog about mine.  I’ve never been good at keeping a journal but for some reason I can blog on a semi-regular basis.

I used this blog as a communication tool during the doctor appointments and surgeries and treatment course of my cancer journey... but it became more than that.  It was my coping mechanism.  A place where I could express the many emotions that come with dealing with a serious illness.  I was completely open through it all and I’ve had other cancer survivors tell me they appreciated that level of honesty.  It was good. Raw. Me.

So why am I feeling like I need to be guarded now? 

Dream A Little Dream

I don’t remember my dreams often but when I do it’s usually because its completely crazy, scared the crap out of me, what I’ve dreamed has come true, or I’ve had the dream more than once. 

Recently there is a new dream that I’ve had that I remember vividly.  I’ve had it three times now.  According to dream interpretation websites, recurring dreams are your subconscious mind desperately trying to tell you something and they are usually triggered by current life events.  Basically its your mind telling you to wake up and pay attention so you can figure out what is going on and deal with it.

So here’s my dream…

I’m sleeping when I smell something that wakes me up (in the dream world).  I head down my stairs when I start to feel scared.  Suddenly I notice that my back door is slightly open and I realize what I’m smelling is smoke.  I slowly inch down the stairs and I see a man standing next to my door.  He doesn’t notice me but is just standing there smoking and staring into my living room at something that I can’t see.  A black cat is sitting next to him looking at the same thing.  I stand there, frozen in fear.  In my dream my anxiety level rises as I feel that any moment he will notice me standing there… and then I wake up

So what the heck does that mean?  I sure hope it isn’t literal and that a man is really breaking in my back door and smoking in my house at night!

After researching various dream websites this is the best I can come up with…

stairs – walking down them suggests there are thoughts and emotions you have yet to express and may also reflect obstacles in your future.  I can only imagine that the fact that I get apprehensive as I head down them means I really don’t want to face whatever the obstacle is

intruder – this usually symbolizes feelings of shame or remorse and that you should figure out what is taking a toll on your peace of mind.

cat – (if you generally like them) symbolizes that within you is a free spirit, feminine sensuality, creativity, and power. A black cat can mean you are afraid of using your psychic abilities or intuition.

smoking – may be a metaphor for an addictive relationship or habit in your life.

Soooo… There are feelings I need to express in the near future that I think is an obstacle.  I have regrets and so my mind isn’t at peace and this may involve an aspect of myself that is creative or intuitive in nature and is most likely an addictive behavior of mine.

Hmmmmm…  I wonder what it could be!

101 in 1001 {Update}

It’s been WAY too long since I’ve updated my 101 goals in 1001 days list!  And if you are unfamiliar with my quest, you can see the full list of goals {here}.

So what have I been busy doing?

Physical and Spiritual Health

10. Lose 25lbs – Currently working on!  Since the start of January, I’m down 12 lbs. – woo!

Financial Fitness

23. Move into/purchase a house or condo. – When I moved to TN, I moved into a townhouse/condo and love it!

26. Get a promotion and/or raise [not just the normal yearly one] – I would consider my job here in TN a promotion… a big one!

Amazing Adventures

27. Take a road trip – I drove to Pigeon Forge/Galtinburg, TN two weeks ago.

28. Visit a winery and do a wine tasting – While on my road trip, I stopped at Mountain Valley Winery and did a little taste test.

39. Plan a mini trip once a month for 3 months [weekend warrior]

Just for Me & My Environment

48. Go to 10 local restaurants that I’ve never been to – in progress

• Twisted Roosted – GR, MI
• Fujiyama – GR, MI
• Hibachi Express – JC, TN

60. Clean out my closet twice a year – I did a massive clean out when I packed to move… I think I’m due for another one because my closet in the new place is much smaller.

Something for Others

71. Send a card/letter [snail mail] to someone once per month

Entertain the Brain

83. Read a book starting with every letter of the alphabet

Girl Who Played With Fire
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Illegals: The Unacceptable Cost of America’s Failure to Control It’s Borders
Madness: A Bipolar Life
Outlive Your Life
Sarah's Key
Tandem

87. Read 101 books

1. Girl Who Played With Fire
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
3. Illegals: The Unacceptable Cost of America’s Failure to Control It’s Borders
4. Madness: A Bipolar Life
5. Outlive Your Life
6. Sarah's Key
7. Tandem

Arts & Entertainment

97. Sing in public again – Sang O Holy Night on Christmas morning at Grace Reformed church.

Admittedly, there are some goals I’m putting off because they are more challenging than others.  I think I need to refocus on tackling my list of goals… maybe do more planning…

What goal do you think I should tackle next?

How Did I Do?

I can usually never remember what my new year’s resolutions are but last year I just so happened to blog about them!  So how did I do?

Well I did get back on a training schedule for the 3 Day but did not manage to focus on eating right and dumping the pounds.  Well I did dump about 20lbs but packed them right back on the last few months… I’m a big stress eater.  I acknowledge this fact. I get a big fat C+ on this one – only getting the plus because I was making progress for about half the year.

I did pretty well decluttering my apartment – heck I even sold my kitchen table before moving to TN! I would give myself an A- on this one.

Read one book per month – well I read well over 12 books, maybe skipping a busy month here or there… I will give myself an A because the overall goal of this resolution was to get back into reading.  Mission accomplished.

Go out with the girlies at least once a month – we maybe didn’t stick to a strict schedule but I think we did pretty good getting together!  I’m going to miss you girls and think you are all stars so we all get an A+!

Define a budget and kick debts to the curb…. uhm…. yeah… D-.  Let’s move on.

Be a kick butt 3 Day captain with a super successful fundraising year – Every team member raised their share and made it through the 3 Days.  With over $15,000 raised, I give us an A+!  Soooo proud of the team!  If you want to donate for next year: check this out!

So what are my goals/resolutions for 2011?

• Really dump the extra poundage and focus on healthier eating habits, perhaps joining my friends at WW once again
• Keep on reading – at least 12 books this year
• Start my 365 photo project
• Knock down debts by at least half and set a budget to stick to

2011 promises to be very exciting for a number of reasons and I am definitely looking forward to see what it brings!