Introspection

<sup>The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
- William Jones</sup>

That was the quote on my little flip calendar this morning.  Funny how I’ve had that calendar for years and years but this is the first time I’ve really taken notice of that saying.  Isn’t it funny how you can read things or hear things that hit at just the right moment.

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and this particular quote brought some anxieties surrounding certain issues to rest.  I haven’t yet made the vision boards I mentioned in my post a few days ago but the picture in my mind is becoming clearer every day. 

Following your heart may not always be the easiest choice but its usually the best one.

You Are What You… Think?

I’ve been reading the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne lately – I even watched the movie on Netflix one night when I was bored. {note: if you’ve read the book, the movie is nearly identical}  I mostly decided to read it because I was curious what all the hype and controversy had been about a few years ago.  I like to know about things rather than just object to them based on what others tell me I should think.

Here I am reading The Secret and it seems like a simple enough principal… you get what you give.  If you give off feelings of anger or sadness you will get anger and sadness back.  Think about it… if you are feeling down and you let yourself stay in that mindset all day without trying to shift yourself to more positive thoughts… you can find yourself in a small bout of depression before you know it.

So I start thinking about some of the bad things that have happened in my life and if I had somehow inadvertently brought them into my life.  The big obvious one of course is my cancer diagnosis.  Could I have actually put out some sort of vibe that later came into being in my body?  Could that vibe in combination with the power of “mind over matter” have contributed to it?

Actually… yes.

You see when I was in college I was assigned the task of tracing my family tree along with any associated diseases or conditions.  Many of my classmates found strong family histories of heart disease… I found that the majority of my ancestors had cancer.  I even said to my mom while working on the project “Well, it looks like I’m destined to get cancer at some point in my life!” as a semi-joke.  Guess what – I did.

Do I believe that my thinking and saying I would get cancer actually caused my cell mutations?  No, not entirely. I also tend to believe that things happen for a reason {beyond our understanding} and I know that what I went through made me who I am today.

But what could happen if I decidedly focused on the good things in life? Things I hope for or dream about… Rather than the twinge of sadness that happens when someone else gets engaged or pregnant, what would happen if I could truly feel happy for them and for my future self in that role?  Rather than feeling the weight of a debt, could I convey the feeling that I have more than enough to sustain me?  I look at it as a form of prayer… asking and believing you will be provided for… or giving thanks for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don’t.

It’s an interesting theory and one definitely worth a try.  I might even try making up a vision board or two so I can keep my focus on accomplishing my dreams.

So what about you?  What positive dreams are you shifting your focus to?

I’ve Got A Feelin

“June 12th, 2009 – …My doctor was nearly certain - in fact said he would be "very surprised"- if my full pathology came back as anything but benign. 

We were both a little shocked when I went in to have my stitches out a week ago Friday and found that "Bob" had been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second look. He said he would call me as soon as the reports from Mayo came back...

So that is basically how exactly 2 months after my 30th birthday, I got the phone call telling me I have cancer”

Today marks 2 years since I heard the words “You have cancer…” over that phone line.  It’s a day I will never forget...  A day that changed my life forever.

It seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time I know I’m not at that magical 5 years = cancer free mark yet.  It is probably why I have been dragging my feet to find a new endocrinologist and have my testing done.  I know I need to do that.  I know.  But I’m scared that there will be news I don’t want to hear.  That and Endos are notoriously prima donna like so meeting yet another one isn’t exactly high on my list.  I will make that appointment. I promise.

So how am I celebrating 2 years of survivorship?  I don’t know yet.  I’m thinking of sleeping in, reading a good book, watching a new movie, and heading down to get a Peanut Butter Dream to stick 2 tiny little birthday candles in. 

I’ll light those 2 little candles.  And while blowing them out I will make a little wish for all the dreams I’m holding in my heart.

Because as I said one year ago today…

“Today is a day to celebrate every moment, to appreciate the little things, to stop and smell the roses, to live life to the fullest, to shout it from the rooftops! 

I am here, I am healthy, I am loved, and I have a very long life in front of me.

For today, I am pushing all of that away and am remembering that today is worth celebrating because life is worth celebrating!  Life in all its ups and downs is simply a gift every single day. 

Today Every day is my most precious gift”

How We Gonna Pay Last Year’s Rent?

Ok I know I’m in nowhere near the predicament that the characters in RENT are facing, {eviction} but this whole renting debacle has this song running through my head.

So in an attempt to clear up some of yesterday’s drama, I did a little digging today.

Today it all started with a phone message response from the management company stating that my apartment had been re-rented on April 10th. 

{Insert confusion here}

The persons in office at my old complex had stated it was re-rented right away as in January or February.  Big difference in the refund coming my way between those two timeframes. So my next step was to call the apartment complex directly and get the exact date that my exact unit had been re-rented. 

The story?  Well someone had put a deposit down on my apartment fairly quickly after my move out… and then at last minute pulled out of the deal. {jerk} So my apartment had been “on hold” for this person who then decided they didn’t want it and the complex then had to try to find another renter. {double jerk}  They finally did find another renter who moved in on April 10th not in January or February. {dangit}

I’m still a little peeved at the management company for not informing me of this little fact because I’ve been paying $$ when I should be getting $$.  And I will still be writing a strongly worded letter if the situation is not resolved very quickly.  But for now, I am just very happy that my obligations have been fulfilled and its one less monthly debt to concern me.  And let’s face it, there are many other things I would rather spend that $710 on!

Caught Red Handed

Not sure if it has been mentioned on le blog or not to date but when I moved from MI to TN I had to break my rental agreement.  Said rental agreement stated I had to pay through the end of my lease term or until my apartment was re-rented, whichever came first.

Guess who has been paying the tidy sum of $710 every month since I moved out in addition to my current rental fees?  Moi.

Guess who’s apartment was re-rented “right away – in January or February” {quote from the apartment complex office staff} but who has been paying the $710 every month because the management company did not inform her of the re-rental? Moi.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, guess who is owed some big time buckaroonies back in le bank account.  MOI!

I am too tired tonight to compose a lovely “I dislike you very much” mail this evening but you can bet your bippy the aforementioned management company will be getting a piece of my mind tomorrow!