Thirty {point} Three

It’s that time of year again… my birthday!  And in keeping with tradition of the past two years {thirty plus one & thirty point two} I’m not turning a year older but just adding a {point} 3 to the end of my decade.

I started that tradition when diagnosed with cancer just a couple months after my 30th birthday deeming that year one of the worst on record and in need of a do-over.  This year I think we may have just about made up for that one…

Earlier this week I went in to have Jo biopsied – finally – and while in the room with the gown on and ultrasonic gel slapped all up in my armpit the doc turns to me and says, “I just can’t find anything!”  After a few moments of shock my mom and I recovered long enough to as the questions necessary to deduce that the lump has disappeared completely!  We could not have received better miracle that day! 

Not only is it my birthday but it also happens to be just 6 MONTHS from the day I will marry the most wonderful man I could have imagined for myself.  The wedding plans themselves bring me all sorts of anxiety if I think about them for too long but I can’t wait for the actual marriage! 

I’m also celebrating this year with a new nephew who is just the cutest thing EVER!  I mean just look at that sweet little face!

As if that’s not enough, I’m feeling a bit left out of the cancer fighting circles as of late.  I still love my guys and gals of the SGK 3 Day but I just can’t commit this year with the wedding and all.  Believe me it is SO worth all the blood, sweat & tears to participate, but because I know what it takes, I know it’s not my year.  BUT I can’t leave all the cancer kickin’ to everyone else so I have a few tricks up my sleeve… some I may or may not tell you about in posts to come. 

This promises to be a year to remember so in honor of that I’m finally starting my Project 365!  I hope I can remember to do it every day!

Cheers to a fabulous new year!

*I know, I’m a bit late posting this as my actual birthday was yesterday but a girl has to work too!

Time Goes So Slowly…

…when you are waiting to find out if you have cancer again.

I’m anxiously awaiting the biopsy of “Jo” and the days seem agonizingly long. As of today there are 18 more days of waiting until the biopsy and who knows how long after that to hear results.  We *might* know something preliminary that same day – I really hope so.

So in the meantime, my imagination is left to run wild with all the things it could be. Based on my latest thyroid tumor marker labs, a recurrence of that is not likely to be the culprit. That leaves things like an infection, cyst, lipoma, and of course a second primary cancer as possibilities. 

While cancer is probably the lowest possibility on the list, its hard to ignore. Since I’ve had cancer once, I have about a 20% higher chance than the rest of the population of getting a second type.  If you look at studies on my specific type of cancer & its treatment, you find that I have a 30-40% chance of getting a second primary cancer at some point.

To get my mind off things for a while, I’m heading to Michigan to see my new nephew so I know at least the next 6 days will fly by!  Then its back to work in St. Louis for 8 days and then home to Tennessee for Easter weekend before B-Day.

Happy Day!

Welcome to the world Collin Alan!  Your aunt is so very excited to meet you on Friday!  Oh yeah… and congrats to my sister & brother-in-law!

Meet Jo

Once upon a time I had a visitor named “Bob”… 

“Bob” {for the short story} had invaded a space formerly occupied by my unassuming thyroid, carotid artery, trachea & esophagus so I had to evict him… twice. And then I had to clean up the mess he left behind.

I’ve been “Bob” free for *almost* 3 years now.  Three wonderful, visitor-free years… until I found “Jo.”

“Jo” as it were, happens to be a new resident in one of my axillary lymph nodes.  Well, maybe not quite so new… I first noticed something around Christmas and thought it would just go away, you know just a short visit over the holidays and then gone?  Three months later and my visitor is still hanging around so I hired a Physician Investigator to help me get to the bottom of it.

I am terrified of the various possibilities of just whom “Jo” might be.  A relative of “Bob” perhaps?  A stranger just passing through?

My PI has big plans to do a biopsy to get to the bottom of that one soon… like April 9th soon.  So until then I’m on pins and needles wondering just what “Jo’s” intentions are…

Forgiveness

Forgive (intransitive verb): 1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of 2) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon. [Webster's]

Sorry may be the hardest word to say but I think forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do.  Not to just say you forgive someone for something but really, truly forgive them.

You see, to truly forgive someone you have to give up on that anger and resentment you have built up.  Those emotions are much easier to hold on to than to make yourself vulnerable to be possibly hurt again.  It’s especially difficult when the person you are forgiving hasn’t apologized or asked to be forgiven at all.  You almost have to make yourself forget the offending act ever happened.

An article I came across by the Mayo Clinic has an interesting perspective on the effects of holding on to that resentment and anger:

What are the effects of holding a grudge? 
If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

I don’t want to allow these wrongs to take root and control my life so I’m working on forgiveness right now for a few people in my life. 

I know that if I can just get there, and I mean really get there, I will be free of it and have the peace I want.