Time Goes So Slowly…

…when you are waiting to find out if you have cancer again.

I’m anxiously awaiting the biopsy of “Jo” and the days seem agonizingly long. As of today there are 18 more days of waiting until the biopsy and who knows how long after that to hear results.  We *might* know something preliminary that same day – I really hope so.

So in the meantime, my imagination is left to run wild with all the things it could be. Based on my latest thyroid tumor marker labs, a recurrence of that is not likely to be the culprit. That leaves things like an infection, cyst, lipoma, and of course a second primary cancer as possibilities. 

While cancer is probably the lowest possibility on the list, its hard to ignore. Since I’ve had cancer once, I have about a 20% higher chance than the rest of the population of getting a second type.  If you look at studies on my specific type of cancer & its treatment, you find that I have a 30-40% chance of getting a second primary cancer at some point.

To get my mind off things for a while, I’m heading to Michigan to see my new nephew so I know at least the next 6 days will fly by!  Then its back to work in St. Louis for 8 days and then home to Tennessee for Easter weekend before B-Day.

Happy Day!

Welcome to the world Collin Alan!  Your aunt is so very excited to meet you on Friday!  Oh yeah… and congrats to my sister & brother-in-law!

Meet Jo

Once upon a time I had a visitor named “Bob”… 

“Bob” {for the short story} had invaded a space formerly occupied by my unassuming thyroid, carotid artery, trachea & esophagus so I had to evict him… twice. And then I had to clean up the mess he left behind.

I’ve been “Bob” free for *almost* 3 years now.  Three wonderful, visitor-free years… until I found “Jo.”

“Jo” as it were, happens to be a new resident in one of my axillary lymph nodes.  Well, maybe not quite so new… I first noticed something around Christmas and thought it would just go away, you know just a short visit over the holidays and then gone?  Three months later and my visitor is still hanging around so I hired a Physician Investigator to help me get to the bottom of it.

I am terrified of the various possibilities of just whom “Jo” might be.  A relative of “Bob” perhaps?  A stranger just passing through?

My PI has big plans to do a biopsy to get to the bottom of that one soon… like April 9th soon.  So until then I’m on pins and needles wondering just what “Jo’s” intentions are…

Forgiveness

Forgive (intransitive verb): 1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of 2) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon. [Webster's]

Sorry may be the hardest word to say but I think forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do.  Not to just say you forgive someone for something but really, truly forgive them.

You see, to truly forgive someone you have to give up on that anger and resentment you have built up.  Those emotions are much easier to hold on to than to make yourself vulnerable to be possibly hurt again.  It’s especially difficult when the person you are forgiving hasn’t apologized or asked to be forgiven at all.  You almost have to make yourself forget the offending act ever happened.

An article I came across by the Mayo Clinic has an interesting perspective on the effects of holding on to that resentment and anger:

What are the effects of holding a grudge? 
If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

I don’t want to allow these wrongs to take root and control my life so I’m working on forgiveness right now for a few people in my life. 

I know that if I can just get there, and I mean really get there, I will be free of it and have the peace I want.

Think What You Will

I blocked some people from my Facebook page. 

{You would think the world had ended because of that one simple click of the mouse!} 

I even drew ridicule from some additional people in their status… so I blocked them too. 

I even toyed with just deleting my account altogether but there are people on there I don’t have emails or phone numbers handy for, and pictures of people far away that I want to see from time to time.  There are people on there who aren’t involved in this mess.

I chose to remove certain people from my little online space because of a series of events that have caused nothing but hurt and heartache.  I don’t want to be surrounded with negativity or jealousy or petty drama.  I certainly don’t want to be reminded of it every day. 

Perhaps I should say I chose to remove myself from their spaces.  Hopefully it will give them less fuel for their fires and they will find someone else to focus their negativity on.

If not, well then to them I say:  Think what you will… you are entitled to your opinions just as I am entitled to leave them all behind.