You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby!

Four years.  Four years.

It’s been exactly four years since I took my I-131 radioactive iodine treatment for my papillary thyroid cancer. My oh my, how my life has changed since then!

I’d like to say I haven’t given cancer another thought since that day, but truth is, I think about it every day. Every morning I wake up and take my thyroid replacement pill first thing and wait an hour before eating or drinking anything that might affect the absorption.  During my pregnancy my daily dose was changed 5 times to meet the increasing demands from my body and from Maddie. Since her birth 2 months ago, my dose has been changed twice as my body readjusts to my “new normal.” Without this one little daily pill, I would slowly go more and more hypothyroid and eventually my mind and body would shut down.  I would be so screwed in a zombie apocalypse scenario.

I have just one more year until I can say I’ve been cancer free for the magical five years = cured mark.  In this upcoming year, I have plans to undergo a whole body scan once my daughter is weaned.  Once again I will have to go hypo on purpose.  Once again I will have to take some RAI and go into isolation for a short time – this time from my husband and daughter – to protect them from my radioactive self.  Hopefully this time nothing shows up on the scan in my thyroid bed or in my lungs.

If I think on it too long, it terrifies me. So I try not to let my mind go there.  I have a long life ahead of me – including seeing my great-grandkids grow up – and I'm positive there are many adventures awaiting me!

Jogging for Jugs

Sooo maybe I’m just a smidge crazy for wanting to sign up to RUN in my first ever 5K a mere 3 weeks before my wedding date?  Oh I don’t know, it sounds like a fabulous idea… right? Right?!

Ok so maybe some of you out there are thinking what’s the big deal? You run… its over, No competition with the wedding… maybe blow off some steam pre-wedding…

Except for one thing. I HATE to run.

Ask me to walk a 5K any day and my answer will likely be SURE!! Heck I’ve even walked 60 MILES in 3 DAYS several years in a row without another thought.  Running?  Well it’s a whole other ballgame my friend.

I’ve done a mile here or there and once I ran because my walk got rudely interrupted by a torrential downpour but I’ve never done it seriously or for any significant distance.

So why RUN?  Well running a 5K.. it’s on my 101 in 1001 to do list for starters. Also? I really need a kick in the booty to get in shape for the wedding… another tick off that list. 

Also?? I’m missing my pink family and really couldn’t just abandon the cause completely this year.  I mean, I may be super busy with working & wedding planning but cancer?  It doesn’t take a break – EVER. 

So while I have my selfish reasons for signing up, I had to at least choose a good cause to support.  Because in the end, helping to fight for the cure is still my biggest motivating factor.

ps: if you want to join the team or donate just go here!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.

Wake Up!

Things around the blog have been quiet for the last few weeks months… I can give you a hundred and one excuses as to why but the biggest one… I’ve felt like I’ve been in a fog, almost like I’ve been asleep, for quite a while now.

Between traveling 20+ days out of every month, to planning a wedding from thousands of miles away, to having a cancer recurrence scare… some days it was all just too much. Not to mention I spend 10-12hrs a day working on a computer so some days the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen for “fun.”

Being on the go for so long has zapped me of my energy. And my creativity. But slowly I can feel it coming back…

I’ve started working from home which is a HUGE change but I can already tell it’s going to be great!  Meaning no more getting up before dawn to catch a hotel breakfast and shuttle to work 10+ hrs and wait for a shuttle back for a hotel dinner and an empty room. No more weekly trips in and out of airports with baggage fees, layovers, and delays…

I am starting to feel like myself… I’m eating better, sleeping better, and starting to enjoy life again. Shoot, I’m having a life again. I wouldn’t change the last 8-10 months a bit though.  I’ve learned a lot and met some great people. I got engaged for goodness sakes!  What’s not to love about that?

I’m hoping that as things get back to a more “normal” state around here I have all kinds of creative moments to share with y’all.  I guess you should just stick around and see!

Time Goes So Slowly…

…when you are waiting to find out if you have cancer again.

I’m anxiously awaiting the biopsy of “Jo” and the days seem agonizingly long. As of today there are 18 more days of waiting until the biopsy and who knows how long after that to hear results.  We *might* know something preliminary that same day – I really hope so.

So in the meantime, my imagination is left to run wild with all the things it could be. Based on my latest thyroid tumor marker labs, a recurrence of that is not likely to be the culprit. That leaves things like an infection, cyst, lipoma, and of course a second primary cancer as possibilities. 

While cancer is probably the lowest possibility on the list, its hard to ignore. Since I’ve had cancer once, I have about a 20% higher chance than the rest of the population of getting a second type.  If you look at studies on my specific type of cancer & its treatment, you find that I have a 30-40% chance of getting a second primary cancer at some point.

To get my mind off things for a while, I’m heading to Michigan to see my new nephew so I know at least the next 6 days will fly by!  Then its back to work in St. Louis for 8 days and then home to Tennessee for Easter weekend before B-Day.

Meet Jo

Once upon a time I had a visitor named “Bob”… 

“Bob” {for the short story} had invaded a space formerly occupied by my unassuming thyroid, carotid artery, trachea & esophagus so I had to evict him… twice. And then I had to clean up the mess he left behind.

I’ve been “Bob” free for *almost* 3 years now.  Three wonderful, visitor-free years… until I found “Jo.”

“Jo” as it were, happens to be a new resident in one of my axillary lymph nodes.  Well, maybe not quite so new… I first noticed something around Christmas and thought it would just go away, you know just a short visit over the holidays and then gone?  Three months later and my visitor is still hanging around so I hired a Physician Investigator to help me get to the bottom of it.

I am terrified of the various possibilities of just whom “Jo” might be.  A relative of “Bob” perhaps?  A stranger just passing through?

My PI has big plans to do a biopsy to get to the bottom of that one soon… like April 9th soon.  So until then I’m on pins and needles wondering just what “Jo’s” intentions are…

Love You Through It

To all my friends and family who were there to love me through the most challenging time in my life…  Especially to you, Mom & Dad… Thank you.

I’m Gonna Love You Through It–Martina McBride

Words That Heal

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
~Isaac Asimov

I was reading this article today about how writing through a serious illness can be cathartic.  I wholeheartedly agree.

I may have started this blog under the guise of keeping friends and family informed about my progress through surgery and treatment but it evolved into so much more. 

I started with just a few posts that were more factual than feeling.  Soon enough I was talking about the confusion, pain, fear, loneliness, anxiety… all the things that I couldn’t say out loud when asked “how are you doing?”  Those who asked such a question received an ever cheery smile and the upbeat “I’m doing good…”, “Feeling much better thanks…”, or “Everything is going really well…”

Truth is sometimes it wasn’t all hunky-dory.  Truth is having cancer is never ok.

I feel like my writing through my cancer journey was honest even if it wasn’t always light hearted.  I also think that writing about it was the cheapest form of therapy I could have found {with the exception of Gilda’s Club of course!}.  It helped me organize my thoughts and feelings and really reflect… and now that I’m on the other side it helps me to remember things completely lost to cancer brain.

I’ve realized that even though I started this blog for my friends and family, it isn’t about who reads it, its about the life I’m able to live because I wrote it.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
~William Wordsworth

Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls. 
~Melody Beattie

You Are What You… Think?

I’ve been reading the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne lately – I even watched the movie on Netflix one night when I was bored. {note: if you’ve read the book, the movie is nearly identical}  I mostly decided to read it because I was curious what all the hype and controversy had been about a few years ago.  I like to know about things rather than just object to them based on what others tell me I should think.

Here I am reading The Secret and it seems like a simple enough principal… you get what you give.  If you give off feelings of anger or sadness you will get anger and sadness back.  Think about it… if you are feeling down and you let yourself stay in that mindset all day without trying to shift yourself to more positive thoughts… you can find yourself in a small bout of depression before you know it.

So I start thinking about some of the bad things that have happened in my life and if I had somehow inadvertently brought them into my life.  The big obvious one of course is my cancer diagnosis.  Could I have actually put out some sort of vibe that later came into being in my body?  Could that vibe in combination with the power of “mind over matter” have contributed to it?

Actually… yes.

You see when I was in college I was assigned the task of tracing my family tree along with any associated diseases or conditions.  Many of my classmates found strong family histories of heart disease… I found that the majority of my ancestors had cancer.  I even said to my mom while working on the project “Well, it looks like I’m destined to get cancer at some point in my life!” as a semi-joke.  Guess what – I did.

Do I believe that my thinking and saying I would get cancer actually caused my cell mutations?  No, not entirely. I also tend to believe that things happen for a reason {beyond our understanding} and I know that what I went through made me who I am today.

But what could happen if I decidedly focused on the good things in life? Things I hope for or dream about… Rather than the twinge of sadness that happens when someone else gets engaged or pregnant, what would happen if I could truly feel happy for them and for my future self in that role?  Rather than feeling the weight of a debt, could I convey the feeling that I have more than enough to sustain me?  I look at it as a form of prayer… asking and believing you will be provided for… or giving thanks for what you do have rather than focusing on what you don’t.

It’s an interesting theory and one definitely worth a try.  I might even try making up a vision board or two so I can keep my focus on accomplishing my dreams.

So what about you?  What positive dreams are you shifting your focus to?

I’ve Got A Feelin

“June 12th, 2009 – …My doctor was nearly certain - in fact said he would be "very surprised"- if my full pathology came back as anything but benign. 

We were both a little shocked when I went in to have my stitches out a week ago Friday and found that "Bob" had been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second look. He said he would call me as soon as the reports from Mayo came back...

So that is basically how exactly 2 months after my 30th birthday, I got the phone call telling me I have cancer”

Today marks 2 years since I heard the words “You have cancer…” over that phone line.  It’s a day I will never forget...  A day that changed my life forever.

It seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time I know I’m not at that magical 5 years = cancer free mark yet.  It is probably why I have been dragging my feet to find a new endocrinologist and have my testing done.  I know I need to do that.  I know.  But I’m scared that there will be news I don’t want to hear.  That and Endos are notoriously prima donna like so meeting yet another one isn’t exactly high on my list.  I will make that appointment. I promise.

So how am I celebrating 2 years of survivorship?  I don’t know yet.  I’m thinking of sleeping in, reading a good book, watching a new movie, and heading down to get a Peanut Butter Dream to stick 2 tiny little birthday candles in. 

I’ll light those 2 little candles.  And while blowing them out I will make a little wish for all the dreams I’m holding in my heart.

Because as I said one year ago today…

“Today is a day to celebrate every moment, to appreciate the little things, to stop and smell the roses, to live life to the fullest, to shout it from the rooftops! 

I am here, I am healthy, I am loved, and I have a very long life in front of me.

For today, I am pushing all of that away and am remembering that today is worth celebrating because life is worth celebrating!  Life in all its ups and downs is simply a gift every single day. 

Today Every day is my most precious gift”

Let’s Try Something New: SOCS

I’ve seen a few bloggers do this (Jenn, Dutch, Fadra) so I thought I would give it a try… and who doesn’t need a good brain dumping now and again, eh? Here goes…

 

Ok so I’m hoping my timer actually works because I dropped it just as I was about to begin typing.  Plus it’s ancient and I never use it anymore because I have the handy one that comes on my stove.  I guess we shall see! 

 

Today I’ve been up since about 5:30am – yes it is a Sunday and no I did not have to work.  I tried to go back to sleep, it just wasn’t going to happen today.  So I got up and made some quiche and then started my day…

 

If you didn’t know, it is national Cancer Survivor’s Day and I donated my FB status to SU2C/Livestrong in honor of the day.  Then I decided cancer needed just a bit more a$$ kicking and I made up the team logo for the 3 Day and flyers for our upcoming event Grillin for the Girls.  Take that cancer! And as my lovely cousin so wisely put it in her status: Suck it cancer!  And now it is not even 2pm and I feel like I’ve been very productive – GO ME!

 

What else is on my mind… oh let’s see… a little thing called GRAD SCHOOL.  Do I want to do it?  Do I not?  And if I do, what for?  How can I make that happen with a FT job?  And then there is the WHERE question… perhaps the biggest one of all…

 

And with that my friends we have the buzzer… hmmm maybe my brain needs more than 5 minutes to fully dump?  Or perhaps I just need more practice… either way – Happy Cancer Survivors Day to all my fellow survivors out there!  Oh and if you didn’t know… yesterday was Hug Your Cat Day.. so make sure to hug your feline friend!

…

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw. 
• Link up by clicking on the button below! 

For Your Consideration

I’ve been considering making my blog private for a while now.  There are several reasons why that may be a good idea, one of which is the obvious fact that anyone can read this and sometimes there are things that are a part of life that you don’t want certain people knowing.  It’s all very mysterious, I know... But the reason for not wanting certain people to know certain things is simply to avoid the drama that could {and probably would} ensue.  Of course there is also the drama of those whom you don’t include on the exclusive “allowed readers” list.

Some of you may be thinking – why blog about it at all then?

Good question.

For some of you out there, your thoughts spill out into the the very private pages of a diary – or journal as is the trendy way of saying it these days. I tend to blog about mine.  I’ve never been good at keeping a journal but for some reason I can blog on a semi-regular basis.

I used this blog as a communication tool during the doctor appointments and surgeries and treatment course of my cancer journey... but it became more than that.  It was my coping mechanism.  A place where I could express the many emotions that come with dealing with a serious illness.  I was completely open through it all and I’ve had other cancer survivors tell me they appreciated that level of honesty.  It was good. Raw. Me.

So why am I feeling like I need to be guarded now? 

Thirty {Point} Two

I refuse to believe that another birthday means an increase in my age, hence the point two on the end. I need that part to help me remember exactly just how old I am since at some point after 25 I started forgetting that little fact.  I know, I’m old and showing my age by admitting that sometimes I forget how old I am! 

I firmly believe that you are as old as you feel.  Some days that means I’m 5, sometimes I’m 20, and sometimes I’m 100.  It just depends on the day, my mood… and maybe the weather.  My rheumatism acts up from time to time contributing to the 100 factor… and if you don’t know me, I’m kidding on that last one… maybe…

But to be serious for a minute, a birthday is something to celebrate with full force. This is my second birthday after my cancer diagnosis… not quite my “cancerversary” yet but one year closer to that 5 year term “cured” mark!  I’m alive and well and thankful for every breath I take. Yes, that even means on the bad days!  I laugh and cry more freely than I did before.  I pay attention to my body and things that might not be quite right.  I take more chances and don’t worry so much about what other people think.  I make a point to enjoy relationships, family, friends, every moment of me time, the smell of spring flowers, the story in a good book… I know I’ve said it before but hearing the words “you have cancer” changes you.

For me the change was living fully and I’m forever grateful for that.

So happy thirty {point} two to me!  I’m looking forward to the next year’s worth of adventures!

One Advantage

Hearing all the reports of the radiation worries in Japan lately makes my heart go out to the people there.  The country is already devastated from the damage caused by the earthquake on March 11.  Now those poor people have to worry about their water and food and even the air…

I’ve been reading the news reports and thinking how bizarre it is that the radiation that is causing all the hubbub is the very same stuff that I had to ingest in quite a large and concentrated quantity just 17 months ago.  The very same radioactive isotope used as the treatment for thyroid cancer also causes thyroid cancer. 

I have first hand knowledge of what can happen if you ingest this isotope in high doses. I won’t recount all the dirty details of just exactly what did happen in this post but if you are interested you can read about it here, here, or here. 

After going through all of that and having every last thyroid cell radioactively burned out of my body, its nice to know that there is at least one thing I won’t have to worry about should a nuclear disaster happen nearby.

You Can’t Handle The Truth!

Kaffee: I want the truth!
Col. Jessep: [shouts] You can't handle the truth!
- A Few Good Men

What is the thing everyone says they want in a relationship?

Honesty.

What is the one thing that most people can’t handle?

The truth.

It’s hard enough dating and worrying about normal rejections: Will he think my hair is too short/blonde/long/flat? What if I something gets stuck in my teeth?  What if my outfit is just all wrong? What if he thinks I’m too thin/fat?  The list is endless and we all worry about them every time.

But…

What if you add the “cancer thing” in there? See you can hide that precious little gem from people for a while but when you literally bear your dirty little secret on your neck, it doesn’t stay hidden for long.  [I’m sure I’ve blogged about this topic before but for the life of me can’t find it on here!]  When should you tell that potential someone? If you tell them right away, it might be too much too soon.  But if you wait, will they think you were keeping this big huge secret behind their back?  Once you do tell them, whenever you choose to do so, will they bow out anyway because it’s just too much to handle.

I had cancer. I dealt with it, I accepted it, I conquered it. I have changed because of it. I know I am stronger because of it.

I had cancer but I am a lot more than cancer ever was. And you are the one who’s missing out.

Wordless Wednesday

Mind Over Mass?

I was reading an article on CNN.com today about a guy who “visualized” his bladder cancer away.

Uhm…

Ok I’m not one to knock a miracle or anything… and I think we have all heard a story or two of someone who was seriously ill and then suddenly wasn’t… but I always cringe when I see articles like this. Articles that basically say you don’t need to get the standard treatments, you can just sweat/exercise/eat/think yourself to a cure!

While I can’t argue that miracles DO happen, I think I can safely say that they don’t happen to everyone. And if you forgo all the amazing things that modern medicine can offer, you may just get the short end of the stick.  In my humble opinion, you need to take ownership of your diagnosis and then do whatever it takes to kick it’s little booty!

At the same time I have read many studies about the impact that attitude has on outcomes in patients.  Basically they all say if you think you are sick and dying, you may want to be a little more careful of what you wish for…

Now, I’m not going to say it’s easy to stay positive through months [and sometimes years] of treatment.  I know I had my moments… or at least I think I did… where everything was completely miserable, horrible, the worst ever.. [hmmm now I think I’ll have to look back at those blog entries to check]  And sister, if it makes you feel like you have some control over the situation by eating only raw, crunchy, rabbity food… by all means go right ahead!  We could all use those extra vitamins and minerals to boost our immune systems!  And if you feel like meditation and visualization helps you keep things in a positive light, then Namaste.

But please, please, please people… talk with your doctors about all your options! You may be surprised to find how many of them will encourage and support your complimentary medicine wishes and will even incorporate them in your treatment plans.

In the end it’s all about owning your body, mind and spirit instead of letting the diagnosis take that role.

Nutty Part 2

Did you notice something new on the bloggy blog perchance?

I’ll give you a biiiiiiig hint…. its right over…

<==============THERE================

Yes ladies and gents, I’ve drunk (drank?) the Kool-aid once again!

In 2009 I told you all I must be nuts because I had just signed up to walk 60 miles in 3 days… for the 3rd time… in the middle of treatment for my thyroid cancer.  Perhaps I was suffering from cancer brain at the time?  So what is my excuse for signing up for my 4th…. hmmmmm… let’s expound on that, shall we?

My 3rd 3-Day was nothing short of amazing.  I was able to walk with one of my inspirations - my aunt who is a breast cancer survivor.  My mom experienced her first 3-Day as a medical crew member.  I watched another of my aunts carry the “Birthdays” flag in Opening Ceremonies.  Watched as my team mate succumbed to the evil thing called dehydration.  I had blisters covering my heels and between my toes and road rash covering my calves. (ps: no one tells you but your skin does weirdo stuff in a post-cancer world)  And I didn’t know it at the time but I saw Jenne Fromm in one of her last 3 Day events as National Spokesperson… gonna miss that girl this year. Walked in ridiculous heat that fast approached the 100F mark.  And as a team we raised almost $20,000 even in the crappy economy of Michigan!

And why was all that amazing you ask?  Because of moments like these…

World Cancer Day

Every year 12 million people receive a cancer diagnosis.  Of those, 7.6 million will die of their disease. 

I am one of 12 million who heard those words in 2009.    It’s amazing how isolated you feel when you hear those words yet there are 12 million others that have heard the same thing within that year. 

Reading the statistics above, I feel extra lucky today that I am a survivor.  Did you do the math?  Those numbers mean that over 60% who have cancer die of cancer. But it is estimated that 30-40% of those deaths could be prevented and as many as one third could be cured through early diagnosis and treatment.

It’s time for us to fight this global epidemic. Click on the logo above and sign the declaration urging our global leaders to come to action.

A cancer patient will thank you.  I thank you.

Cleaning Up

In preparation for my big move at the end of the month, I’m doing a lot of cleaning… Cleaning up the rooms as I pack them up… Cleaning out the closets, drawers, storage space, fridge/freezer, cupboards… Tonight’s project?

Cleaning out the DVR.

I started with 81 recordings. I’m not even kidding you.  After deciding I don’t really need to re-watch the current seasons of GLEE, House MD, Fringe… I deleted those. Now I am left with 58 recordings, all of which are movies.  Darn you cable for having free preview weekends! 

Since I recorded all of these I must have wanted to watch them at one time or another right?  So I feel like I have to watch them all before finally turning in my box.  When I get to TN I have decided to go sans cable for a while in an effort to get out and learn my new surroundings, save some cashola, maybe finally get to those bazillion books I have bought but never read, and really… its all about crossing another thing off the 101 list right?!

So back to the project.  I have 58 movies to watch equating approximately 116 hours of cinematic enjoyment.  I would need to spend almost 5 days straight to watch them all.  If I watch just 2 per day, I would need 29 days.  If you notice, my countdown currently displays many less than that… and I will be gone for 4 days this next week trying to find a place to live in TN.  Sooo that puts me down to about 18 days of movie watching time left.  That would be 3 per day. Hmm…

It’s a challenge and I like it!  So first up (or last on the DVR list) is… Living Proof, Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy and Crazy Sexy Cancer.  If I can fit a 4th in before sleep takes over I will add Seven Pounds.  Looks like I’m taking a trip down cancer memory lane tonight!  Just need to grab some pizza, soda and some Kleenex and off we go!

NOT Fun

I’ve had many calls/emails/FB/posts/texts asking me how I’m feeling now that I “glow in the dark.”  In one word: SICK.  Looks like my first 24-48hrs of this will be all about trying NOT to throw up.  If I do, I have to call the hospital immediately.

At first I felt ok, but after a couple hours the nausea started to set in.  Now it won’t go away.  I’m supposed to be sucking on lemon drops every 15mins but those make me feel sicker so I'm popping one as often as I feel I can.  I’m supposed to swish with baking soda every 30mins but that is dis-gust-ing so I'm doing that as often as I feel I can.  I’m supposed to be drinking [and going] twice as much as normal, but I can hardly stand to eat so I'm drinking as much as I feel I can.  My salivary glands are very sore and swollen so I'm massaging and putting a heating pad on – that is one thing I can actually stand to do at any time [yay for small victories!].

Other cancer patients and their families are advised “If it sounds good to the patient when they are feeling nauseated, give it to them because that is probably the one thing that will stay down.”  NOT me!  I wanted pizza last night at 10pm that was a big fat NO. [Mom said so!]  I’m resigned to oatmeal and rice cakes and chocolate zucchini bread – the same things I've been eating since September 18th – until Saturday 1pm. 

I do have to toot my own horn a bit and say I'm very proud of myself for NOT cheating on the LID, not even a little.  Granted I started a little earlier than expected because of the scheduling mix up and I was not total LID the weekend of my cousin’s wedding [Sept 19-20] but since then…

Oatmeal w/ brown sugar and cinnamon	bow tie pasta w/ homemade pomodoro sauce [v.good]
Rice cakes w/ Peanut butter and bananas	Flowering Teapot

On a more positive note, flowers were delivered to my “isolation station” today!  No pics yet but ich war sehr suprised und glücklich!  They were from “Gpa 09” [yes he did sign the card that way!]. My grandpa is about the sweetest thing ever – Thank You!