Forgiveness

Forgive (intransitive verb): 1) a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of 2) to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): pardon. [Webster's]

Sorry may be the hardest word to say but I think forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do.  Not to just say you forgive someone for something but really, truly forgive them.

You see, to truly forgive someone you have to give up on that anger and resentment you have built up.  Those emotions are much easier to hold on to than to make yourself vulnerable to be possibly hurt again.  It’s especially difficult when the person you are forgiving hasn’t apologized or asked to be forgiven at all.  You almost have to make yourself forget the offending act ever happened.

An article I came across by the Mayo Clinic has an interesting perspective on the effects of holding on to that resentment and anger:

What are the effects of holding a grudge? 
If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

I don’t want to allow these wrongs to take root and control my life so I’m working on forgiveness right now for a few people in my life. 

I know that if I can just get there, and I mean really get there, I will be free of it and have the peace I want.

Well It’s Official…

I have resigned from my management position here effective July 22nd.

There are many reasons behind this decision some of which I am not prepared to discuss just yet.  Some of which I might never discuss on le bloggy blog.

I am not certain where I am going or what I am going to do just yet.  That is such an odd feeling.  I’ve always known where I was going before I went.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ideas floating around… this girl has no shortage of those puppies… but so many of them are in the long range category. I just have to start doing the little things to get the momentum going.  And above all I need to follow my heart and live my dreams.  Life is too short not to.

Stay tuned dear readers… its about to get interesting around here!

Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
-Orison Swett Marden

Grow A Pair

Apparently I have.

Grown a “pair” that is.So many people have told me in the last oh 8 months that I have balls and they are impressed and that I’m brave.  Even though I’ve heard it for a while now I still don’t quite understand.

Am I really that gutsy?

I don’t really think so.  I just follow my heart… and sometimes my head… and I just go for it and I don’t look back.  There is no room for regret.

Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t but at least I’ve tried.  Every experience teaches you something about yourself or someone else or about life in general and it shapes who you are. 

Life is out there and all you have to do is live it.

One can never consent to creep when

one feels an impulse to soar.

– Helen Keller

Thirty {Point} Two

I refuse to believe that another birthday means an increase in my age, hence the point two on the end. I need that part to help me remember exactly just how old I am since at some point after 25 I started forgetting that little fact.  I know, I’m old and showing my age by admitting that sometimes I forget how old I am! 

I firmly believe that you are as old as you feel.  Some days that means I’m 5, sometimes I’m 20, and sometimes I’m 100.  It just depends on the day, my mood… and maybe the weather.  My rheumatism acts up from time to time contributing to the 100 factor… and if you don’t know me, I’m kidding on that last one… maybe…

But to be serious for a minute, a birthday is something to celebrate with full force. This is my second birthday after my cancer diagnosis… not quite my “cancerversary” yet but one year closer to that 5 year term “cured” mark!  I’m alive and well and thankful for every breath I take. Yes, that even means on the bad days!  I laugh and cry more freely than I did before.  I pay attention to my body and things that might not be quite right.  I take more chances and don’t worry so much about what other people think.  I make a point to enjoy relationships, family, friends, every moment of me time, the smell of spring flowers, the story in a good book… I know I’ve said it before but hearing the words “you have cancer” changes you.

For me the change was living fully and I’m forever grateful for that.

So happy thirty {point} two to me!  I’m looking forward to the next year’s worth of adventures!

You Can’t Handle The Truth!

Kaffee: I want the truth!
Col. Jessep: [shouts] You can't handle the truth!
- A Few Good Men

What is the thing everyone says they want in a relationship?

Honesty.

What is the one thing that most people can’t handle?

The truth.

It’s hard enough dating and worrying about normal rejections: Will he think my hair is too short/blonde/long/flat? What if I something gets stuck in my teeth?  What if my outfit is just all wrong? What if he thinks I’m too thin/fat?  The list is endless and we all worry about them every time.

But…

What if you add the “cancer thing” in there? See you can hide that precious little gem from people for a while but when you literally bear your dirty little secret on your neck, it doesn’t stay hidden for long.  [I’m sure I’ve blogged about this topic before but for the life of me can’t find it on here!]  When should you tell that potential someone? If you tell them right away, it might be too much too soon.  But if you wait, will they think you were keeping this big huge secret behind their back?  Once you do tell them, whenever you choose to do so, will they bow out anyway because it’s just too much to handle.

I had cancer. I dealt with it, I accepted it, I conquered it. I have changed because of it. I know I am stronger because of it.

I had cancer but I am a lot more than cancer ever was. And you are the one who’s missing out.

To Mom & Dad

I know I've said “thank you” countless times over the past months… It just never feels like enough.

How can I begin thank you for being there for me through everything?

I know at times all of this was just as hard for you to take in as it was for me. I know I have given you information overload with all my research and been frustrated when I couldn’t explain all I had read.

You were there to visit when others weren’t. There to go with me to support groups and Dr appointments, there to listen even I didn’t know what to say, there to listen to and calm my fears, there to remember the things I forgot.

You did my laundry, got my groceries, cleaned my house, dropped off my mail, took out the trash, cleaned up after the “kids”… called the doctors back, relayed information when I couldn’t, recognized when I was past my limits before I totally crashed, and risked radiation exposure to drive me to and from treatment.

You were with me when I laughed, cried, worried…

So “Thank You” mom and dad… I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately express how very much you both mean to me.

Outtie

ps – i’m heading out tomorrow morning for a Cancer Retreat at Camp Geneva on the shores of Lake Michigan. I won’t be posting until I get back (Sunday) but i’m sure to have some fun stories!

Does Cancer Make You Strong?

Recently an acquaintance of mine, Kairol Rosenthal (author of Everything Changes: An Insiders Guide to Cancer in Your 20’s and 30’s) wrote a blog post on this very question. She asked her fellow cancer buddies if they like being called “strong.” Apparently this is a burning issue because the New York Times Well Blog picked up on her post and expanded it.

Overwhelmingly, cancer survivors say that they do not like to be called “strong” or to be told “God only gives you what you can handle.” One of my favorite comebacks for the latter statement comes from Mother Teresa who said, “I wish he didn’t trust me so much!”

Calling a cancer patient “strong” makes it seem like they are no longer entitled to crying into their pillows or screaming in helpless rage at their situation. Being told you have to be strong is a heck of a lot of pressure for someone who already has more than enough stress in their life. And don’t even get me started on the “you have to be strong for so-and-so because this is really hard on them…”! Excuse me, can we rewind and think about that for a second? I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only one affected by my cancer but come on! This deadly cellular anomaly is growing inside my body, affecting my life forever. I deserve to be a bit selfish and self-involved while going through this and if I'm not feeling up to fake smiling all the time then let me be!

This may be a difficult idea for those who haven’t been there done that to understand because they feel that they are saying the right things. Believe me, we appreciate the fact that the situation sucks and know that sometimes you don’t know what to say! Sometimes I don’t even know what to say and resort to snarky comebacks (usually only in my head because I’m trying to be polite). I even stated a top 15 not to say in an earlier post. There are so many faux pas in the “What not to say to a cancer patient” category (I've heard some unbelievably idiotic doozies in internet forums)… but the truth is, what you shouldn’t say to one person may be the exact right thing to say to another.

Usually, the old adage “honesty is the best policy” is true. I would much rather have a frank discussion with someone about how much the situation sucks or how I’m really feeling than getting the awkward polite statements. But that’s me, I’m unusually open about this whole ordeal and I don’t mind talking to anyone that really wants to know the truth of the matter. Just ask me!